Literally zero (and I mean zero) of my friends liked her. And there were so many reasons.
Once, Ash and I went away for a few days with a family we've known forever, and MBG didn't see me online the whole time and he was literally worried that she'd killed me. I'm not even joking. Her temper. So explosive, so difficult to predict. So impossible to control. He knew it. She, of course, didn't kill me, or ever lay a hand on me, but he didn't trust her.
Neither did I. With anything other than monogamy.
Every time we left the house I was worried she'd find someone to get mad at. To escalate any situation. God forbid we pass a cop.
Once, our friend TS had her dementia-ridden mother break out of her home. She had to call the cops to help find her. And B was also called into help the search, and what did B do? But berate the cops after the mother was found safe, after they assisted one of her oldest friends in crisis. She just couldn't not. What kind of fucking person does that? BLM is important, but trying to fight that fight after they came to aid the situation? What a fucking asshole.
This is yet another item on the Ick List. For me and for TS, I'm sure.
TS has also told me that she sees B's behaviour towards me as abusive. Last night when I was falling asleep I remembered this fact, however got SO upset at the fact that she stands by B unquestionably, despite knowing this ugly truth about her. She's obviously cast the same spell over her as she did me for 6.5 years.
"Trauma"
Yes, most of her habits, beliefs, actions are caused by childhood trauma. But she refuses, steadfast, to do anything about it. Zero therapy. Zero books. Zero podcasts. Maybe she'll meditate for ten minutes once a year. Instead, she shoves it all down and instead tries to control literally every person and every thing around her so that she will be more comfortable. I walked on eggshells for the entire relationship, trying desperately to control my own actions to not upset her.
This is my trauma. This is a mirror image of my childhood. This is exactly why I need therapy.
When I attempted to advocate for myself, to tell her that I needed time for ME, where I'm not trying desperately to be her partner or my child's mother, she took it as full-out rejection. I just wanted to try to sort through my own shit without having to go through hers, first.
Now she's gone, and for real, it's over. And I'm left in such a mess it's even more muddy. I cannot easily afford therapy. I don't have insurance. I don't have a lot of spare cash. Everything is expensive.
I'm not looking for anyone to save me, but I sure wish I had a best friend.
Also, I'm pretty sure B is sleeping with someone already. This destroys me.
7:49 p.m. - June 23, 2023
Recent entries:
Solo - July 02, 2023
"TRAUMA" - June 23, 2023
Fini. - June 17, 2023
Climbing - March 27, 2022
01 2022 - February 02, 2022
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