I think the hardest part of breakups is that everything about my life changes. My routines are all different. My person is gone so I don't have anyone to talk to every day. She's also a total stranger. We're five days away from a month of zero contact, which has been difficult at times, but also SUCH A RELIEF because I don't have anyone telling me every single day how much I suck (so to speak) and I don't feel like a failure (at least not in the same way). That part feels very good.
The other part of the breakup that I hate is that even though I appreciate the 6.5 years together, for whatever turbulent mess it actually was, I'm left no better off than I was when I was 37. Except now I'm 43 and even more traumatized. Definitely more self-aware when it comes to attachment style (at one point I was 75% secure), but now am probably more prone to be classified an Avoidant type. At least now I know that I'm a sucker for being with people who are Anxious so I can try to avoid them in the future. I'm also far more aware of my Love Languages (acts of service, words of affirmation). But I probably could have figured those out on my own, or with a better suited partner, over the past few years.
I also do this VERY ANNOYING thing where I try to fix the relationship once it's over. Only in my head of course. I'll find myself thinking, "next time she's feeling this way, I will react like this" except like, it won't ever happen. I don't think we'll ever speak again. I don't think I want to.
Now I'm stuck doing all the shit that people do after a breakup: I should be journaling, spending time alone (read: THRIVING ALONE, sigh), reading self help books, finding a fucking therapist, and enjoying independence. I should be embracing being single, and maybe I will. Right now I'm pretty much just smoking a lot of cigarettes and reminding myself that alcohol only makes me feel really bad, so now I don't even have that. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but I'm not ready for therapy yet. Or can I afford it.
I did spend $300 on botox a couple of weeks ago. My sister was right. I do love it.
1:22 p.m. - June 17, 2023
Recent entries:
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