Note:

If my entries seem a little off, it's because there's a filter on this computer system that X's out all sort of words. Everything that could be a swear word (5Uck, sh1t, cu1t (yes, that's c.u.l.t, not c.u.n.t), little g1rl... the list goes on) is automatically deleted from my emails and diary entries. This isn't fun.

...

I was having a bad day yesterday. Just grumpy and overtired and unenthusiastic about everything.

I took the afternoon off work and went to the beach to have some Down Time. I met up with several friends, went for a swim, drank some pop, had a decent afternoon.

It all fell apart when I went on an e-date with Peter, who told me that the tickets were too expensive (over $1000 to get from London to Banjul) and that he didn't think he could come.

I have spent the last two weeks psyching myself up for seeing him, for having him here, for sharing this place with him. All to have it crash down around me.

So much for "No ifs ands or buts."

I'm not blaming him, there's no one really at fault. But not having him here for the last three weeks sounds like an impossible feat.

So, he asked me to leave Africa early and meet him in Europe in January.

It's tempting.

I'm going to explore the possibility and see what I find. I'm going to talk to VSO and see what they say. I'm going to have to decide if I want to leave, and I'm going to have to decide soon so that Peter can buy his ticket.

I'm sacrificing to be here. I've given up a lot of things to be here (granted, I've been given a wonderful opportunity to be here as well)... but the question is- is five months all that different than six months? What would I be giving up if I left here early?

I know, personally, I COULD last the six months here alone if I really wanted to. But what's the point? If I design the website I'm supposed to, and if I teach the women about computers, I'm done. Not that it really matters anyway... the people I'm teaching about computers are likely never to touch a computer again in their life. The website is not a sustainable project, and is going to crumble within a year or so. I'm not making a difference, these people don't need computer skills... what am I doing here?

And if I lose Peter in this time away from home, I'm going to my experience here. What is more important? The Gambia for six months instead of five, or the rest of my life?

Think. Compromise. Do what makes you happy.