I write about this a lot, I am well aware, but it’s weird for me to be in this limbo between being a full-fledged adult and being a young, independent traveller (which is what I like to classify myself as).

I deemed this trip as my last solo trip, my last chance to do something alone before I settle down. I found someone who I want to share my life with, someone who wants to come along for the ride, and although this is what I want, it sometimes scares me.

I remember when I got my first real job as a Web Site Designer. I came home, a bottle of champagne (okay, not real champagne- just sparkling wine, but it was probably a good $12) was opened and shared between myself and my family. I thought I had it made; I was going to start my career, I was going to get an apartment and buy a car (or motorcycle) and I was going to make some mad cash.

About two weeks after I got the job, I panicked. I didn’t want to stay in Halifax, I didn’t want to settle down and commit myself to lease on an apartment or buy a car! What the hell was I thinking about? I had so many things that I wanted to do before all of those things.

So, what did I do? Did I suck it up and decide to be an adult? To live the life that other people my age had committed themselves to? Nope. I applied to VSO, because I wanted to go to Africa. Out of over 750 applicants, 27 of us were chosen, and I was one of them. A couple of months later, here I am, living and working in Africa’s smallest country- The Gambia. Phew. I got out of that commitment. Just in time. Being here makes me feel brave and independent and young and carefree. I love feeling like this. I’m doing something that no one else I know (except him and her) are doing. (Weird that we’re all doing similar things in totally different parts of the world, where as we met at the University of Waterloo over five years ago.)

I ran away, as fast as I could. I wasn’t ready.

By the time I’m back in Canada, it’ll have been well over a year since I decided to run away. Will that year make all the difference? Will this boy make all the difference? What am I so scared of? Why am I continuously moving? Will I be happy when I’m comfortable?

I haven’t lived anywhere for longer than eight months since I was 16 years old (this excludes my one year at school). I’m almost 24. My one goal when I move anywhere is to not get comfortable. Being comfortable in a job, in an apartment, in a relationship, keeps people in one place for too long. I’m too scared of my days melting into one another, and waking up one morning and realize that five years have gone by and the only thing I can remember that was interesting was a Christmas party or my wedding.

And now I find myself again, searching for a home, searching to be comfortable. When the opportunity arises, will I be scared off again and run away? Or am I really ready this time?

I know I’m not the only one that feels like this. Where are you hiding? Give me your words of wisdom! People who have already been through this, I crave your advice. Is being an adult really everything it’s cracked up to be, or am I crazy?

Why am I so scared?