Okay, so I don't feel like writing about this in my other journal.

I'm homesick today.

Well, not exactly homesick... just feel like this week is never going to end, even though it's Thursday. I'm sick and tired of my jobs- because when there's no power in the city, there's no computer. When there is no computer, I don't have anything to work on or to teach about.

And when the days feel long and the weeks feel long, I look at the next 4.5 months and think, "fuuuuuuckkkkk."

I'm sick and tired of being here today, and all I want is to sleep this shitty feeling off. I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be by the ocean or shopping in the market. I don't want to eat or drink or smoke (wait! I take that back... I'm going to smoke right now...) (okay, so I didn't enjoy that cigarette at all, which means that something is definitely wrong) or do anything. I'm pissed off that I'm here and I missed the biggest hurricane in Nova Scotia, and this weekend my family is going to be eating my mother's stuffing and mashed potatoes and good vegetables and I'm not. I miss tofu.

I haven't heard my sister's voice for longer than three minutes in TWO months (this is a record, and I don't like it). I haven't heard my mother's voice in over three weeks. I haven't heard Ty's voice in six weeks, nor Michael's, or Bunks, or ANYONE's.

My body is in limbo because it thinks my period is on the way, but it hasn't arrived, and it's about five days late. I've got funny little bite marks from some sort of insect and pimples from the sweat and dirt that's constantly on my face.

Although the scale says I've lost almost ten pounds since I've been here, I don't notice it at all, and that's pissing me off.

I forgot my water bottle at home today, so I'm dehydrated.

And the only book I brought to work is totally boring, therefore useless, and I've already written two pages in my paper journal and I have nothing positive to say in it anyway.

Did I mention that I miss tofu? I miss tofu.

I miss having clothes and being able to show my thighs. I miss wearing makeup and doing my hair and feeling girly. I miss kissing and I miss having my own computer. I miss the English language in my accent and I miss my Canadian beer and Canadian cigarettes and McDonalds cheeseburgers without the meat.

I miss smelling nice. And being pale. I miss normal-sounding names and being invisible in the streets. I miss my hair and fingernails growing at a normal rate, and I miss being cold and wearing sweaters.

I miss the smell of the Atlantic ocean and walking in the autumn air. I miss cold noses and cold fingers and wearing toques. I miss being able to call up friends and asking what they're doing and if they want to watch a movie/play a game/get drunk/have a potluck.

I haven't heard my best friend's voice since early summer, and I really miss that. I miss music... I've had the same Tracy Chapman song in my head for the past two or three weeks, and it's driving me berzerk.

Okay, so there are lots of things that I need right now, and I can't have any of them. I think I'm going to go home early. Actually, I'm going to go home right now and drink some local beer and go for a swim. Not necessarily in that order.