I should have known it was going to happen.

The Boy is quite mad at me.

I am dating his brother, after all. And I did start dating him about a week after The Boy got back from Japan.

But when he got back from Japan, we agreed that we weren't, in fact, going to get married.

It just wasn't going to work, we thought. I asked him if he wanted me to get over him. He said, "not yet." But not because he wasn't over me, but because he likes having me around for security, and the odd "fool around."

Fuck that, I thought.

And then, something magical happened. (Ha! Magical is such a fruity word.) I fell for his brother. Out of nowhere.

Peter and I go waaaay back, but there's never been anything between us. There's been an understanding that I have something with his brother, therefore he was hands off, and so was I. I just didn't think of him like that. I can't say the same for him about me, it seems. This is something I learned afterwards.

Totally out of the blue, comes this guy who I think it's nearly everything I've ever hoped for. He's got all the same aspirations as I do... he's beautiful and talented, and what's more- he likes me! Me! Something I had lost faith in after The Boy made me feel unattractive in almost every single possible way.

And so, I let go. I gave up. I gave in. And I took the plunge and started dating the younger brother of the first man I thought I was going to marry. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

I didn't do it to hurt him. I did it because it felt so right. I did it because he was everything I had been looking for. He was worth the stress from The Girl, he was worth the stress from The Boy, he was worth the pain that I knew I'd suffer on my six months away in Africa.

But we were going to try it.

And I said "fuck it" to making everyone else happy. I ended up hurting Ty, who loves me, and thinks that we might be right for one another (and I feel the same about him, for the record).

But I can't do it. I can't live for other people. I wont ever be able to make anyone else happy, so this is what I'm doing. If people cared about me, they'd be happy that I'm happy, no matter how fucked up the situation is.

The Boy told me that he wouldn't be with me because he couldn't give me what I wanted (which wasn't much- he just didn't want to make the extra effort), and that I should go and persue other relationships. If those relationships didn't work out, then maybe, it was remotely possible, that we'd be together some day. That's what he said when he came back from Japan- after I'd just spent the past five months (hem-three years-hem) lusting after him.

And now I've found him. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay with him.

I'm not a selfish person... but I do look out for my best interests. I think that's the way to happiness. I don't want to miss out on opportunities. I will take into account how someone else feels about something, but I will not let that decide how I live my life.

I'm happy, damnit. I'm happy with everything in my life. Now be happy for me.