Dear Roommate,

Hi. I'm glad you're leaving on Tuesday. I'm glad I'm going home for the weekend so that I won't have to help you pack and get the hell out of here.

You have been a decent roommate. Very responsible and clean. However, there are only so many late nights of knitting and old "I Love Lucy", "The Golden Girls", and other horrible 1960s sitcoms I can take.

I wont miss your "vegetarian" cuisine filled with pepperoni pizza and the occasional bacon breakfast. I won't miss your curry and rice. Nor will I miss watching Trading Spaces with you while you eat an entire bag of cookies and then complain about being fat. I won't miss having the bathroom cabinet filled with your "KY Personal Lubricant", nor will I miss the "Nair" (please, I don't want to know where it's for). I won't miss your facial washes, or other beauty products that outnumber mine.

All in all, this wouldn't be so bad if you were female. But damnit, admit you're gay, and I'll be fine. But no straight male does the things listed above. You're halfway there, admitting that you're bi, but you ONLY talk about men, you've never had any overnight guests here, and you only go to gay bars.

Not missing you at all,
Gillian